Fucking Bitter, Angry Guy

Fucking Jury System

Mark Twain had it right when he said the American jury system “puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty and a premium upon ignorance, stupidity and perjury.”

Say what you want about defense attorneys, prosecutors, judges and defendants, the real problem with the American criminal justice machine is the dysfunctional jury system it so foolishly embraces.

Of all the problems afflicting the system—overworked and underpaid public defenders and mandatory minimum sentences to name just two—the biggest threat to justice is the way in which we select and seat jurors for civil and criminal trials.

Think about it.

Who are the fucking people who end up serving on juries? They’re the fucking idiots who either can’t get out of jury duty or, more dangerous, do everything they can to be seated because they don’t have anything better to do with their time. Or have some other fucking agenda that has nothing to do with justice.

I’m talking about the most serious cases. The highest-profile crimes. The ones that take months and months to adjudicate like the O.J. Simpson and Scott Peterson trials.

The fucking people they find for these juries are the permanently unemployed. Or they’re old and retired. Or they’re college students or other shiftless fucks living at home with mommy and daddy. Once in a blue moon, they’re people who are employed at companies that will actually pay them their regular salary for the duration of the trial.

You say some people are just good citizens who can afford to take time off from work (and without pay) to do their civic duty. I say people smart enough not to HAVE to work surely have better things to do with their time than spend 16 weeks (with Fridays off) in a courtroom or sequestered in a fucking hotel room for the “privilege” of participating in the process.

And do you really want someone sitting on your jury who is doing it for “curiosity” or the “hell of it” or to write a fucking book? Worse, do you want 12 men and women, good and true, forced to listen to the facts of your case? Talk about a group that’s dying to do whatever is easiest rather than what’s right.

We’re talking about someone’s life here. Yet we leave this shit to amateurs?

Then everyone throws their hands in the air wondering why those with money and influence walk when they shouldn’t and poor people who (occasionally) are innocent spend years and years in prison.

Here’s the solution:

Anyone who serves on a jury should know something about the law. It’s common fucking sense. You don’t take butchers and bakers or even candle-stick makers and turn them into professional jurors. You use law students.

That’s right. Instead of wasting thousands of hours on these fucking Law Reviews at all these universities, take these aspiring second- and third-year law students and turn them into professional jurors.

Make it a requirement for graduation that every law student complete a six-month tour as a professional juror in their community. Pay them something substantial. I don’t know. Maybe a stipend of like $2,000 a month. If you want to be a doctor, you have to do a residency. I know it’s not an apples-to-apples comparison, but it would provide invaluable experience to every student serious about practicing law sometime down the road.

What practicing attorney wouldn’t give his left nut (or left ovary) to log 100 or 200 hours of real experience inside that jury room and five times as much time watching arguments unfold right in front of them? Talk about inside baseball. There’s no way this experience wouldn’t make them better attorneys.

With some notable exceptions, most of the people who manage to get into law school are bright people. They have common sense. They understand legal theory, to some degree, and recognize not only what’s at stake but why it’s so important that jurors take their responsibility seriously. By virtue of being interested and invested in the law, they’d be more circumspect and analytical than any fucking random group of 12 assholes off the street.

Most of these law students are going to be young. A good number of them are going to be naïve. Most, if not all, are going to bring their fair share of biases and presumptions to the courtroom. So what? Every jury brings these same predispositions. At least these people aren’t complete fucking morons.

The voir dire process would be the same. Both sides could eliminate jurors in the same fashion they do now. The whole process would be more efficient. Judges and attorneys would have to pick up their game. Deliberations wouldn’t so much be a battle of personalities as a battle of attrition between 12 people who have a decent legal foundation from which to base their arguments and decisions.

It’s not a perfect solution. And there’s no guarantee that juries comprised of law students (paid or not) are going to be anymore enthused about their six-month “sentence” than juries made up of social misfits and incompetents.

But if my ass was on the line, I know which group I’d want in that jury box.

Fucking Hair Gel Bans?!

Say goodbye to carry-on bags.

Today’s events in London ensure that airline travel will, again, be forever altered thanks to the fucked up intentions of a group of people motivated to kill innocent people in the name of religion. But I’m not going to get into that part…yet.

You can bet the knee-jerk reaction from the TSA will be to outlaw not only liquids but any carry-on bags going forward. If you believe (as I don’t) that de-shoeing passengers makes us any safer on a flight, how could you possibly argue that any and all carry-on bags aren’t a threat to our “safety”?

You know what’s next? Naked air travel.

It’s really the only way to “guarantee” that someone isn’t hiding something, somewhere that could be used as a makeshift bomb or weapon to blow up an airplane or the people within.

When I read and heard that TSA employees were requiring women take a sip of baby formula or breast milk before allowing them to take their baby bottles onboard, I realized that we’ve gone well past the point of no return on this airline travel issue.

Fucking ridiculous.

I have no doubt that al-Qaida or Hezbollah or Hamas or Disgruntled Fucking Postal Employee will always build a better mousetrap to beat whatever security measures are imposed on us. That’s the whole idea. To alter our lives, make us scared and, indirectly, create the type of panic that allows the government to further erode our individual rights in the name of “protecting” us.

From where I’m sitting, it’s a real simple choice: Do we want to ruin what’s so special and important about being American in the name of protecting it or do we want to keep living and enjoying the freedoms we have as Americans and live with the inevitable, horrific and, hopefully, rare tragedies that will occur along the way?

There’s no putting the shit back in the donkey now. The second those twin towers came crumbling down, life as we knew it was over. After a “success” of that magnitude, the bar was raised in the hearts and minds of every terrorist and would-be terrorist on the planet.

Let’s also keep in mind that this most recent threat never even got to the airport, airplane, cockpit stage. Thankfully, the would-be murderers never got to the point where this supposedly “improved” airport security system would have been tested.

If these guys with their bottles of chemicals had gotten to the airport, I’m almost certain they would have gotten onboard and most likely have been able to execute their terrible plan. Last time I flew, no one asked me to pour out my beverage before boarding or toss the aftershave and bottle of water in my carry-on bag.

It would have worked.

And that’s my point. Making people dump out all their shit and stand in long lines and miss flights is exactly how we’re all losing this war on terror. At some point, we’re going to run out of things to ban from commercial flights and just have to shut the whole fucking thing down.

We will NEVER come up with enough procedures and prohibitions to completely protect ourselves from those who are willing and spiritually motivated to give their lives to take ours.

Fucking Death Penalty

I can only laugh when I hear Death Penalty advocates mindlessly suggest that the deterrence factor is the prime reason the government should continue to execute murders, terrorists and other hardcore, capital offenders.

That’s bullshit.

The current system provides these pieces of shit a series of mandatory appeals that cost taxpayers millions of dollars every year. During this process, these guys spend a good 10 to 15 or maybe even 25 years living in relative isolation in a separate wing of a state prison, eating food, reading books, watching TV and, most important, not working a single minute of the rest of their lives.

Every effort is made to keep these fucking animals safe and separated from the general prison population. A guy doing 50 months for tax evasion in the general population at any state prison has it much, much worse than a guy who rapes and murders little kids. Constantly looking over his shoulder, wondering who’s going to try to rape or shank him next. The guys on Death Row rarely if ever have to live with this constant fear.

This makes no fucking sense.

And maybe, eventually, the end does finally come. But these days, the actual execution itself is about as terrifying as a trip to the dentist. A quick stab in the wrist to start an IV and, a few minutes later, they basically go to sleep just as millions of people do everyday when they’re anesthetized before undergoing a medical procedure.

No pain. No suffering. No fucking drama. Just lights out and that’s it. There’s your justice.

Anyone who argues that this scenario DETERS would-be murders from committing their crimes is a fucking moron. So don’t waste your breath or my time with that bullshit argument.

The problem with enforcing the Death Penalty is that there’s not enough of a deterrence factor built into the process.

If we as a country are serious about making the Death Penalty work, here’s what needs to happen:

SPEED UP THE PROCESS. I don’t care what it takes in terms of money or scheduling, but people convicted of capital crimes and sentenced to death need to be fast-tracked through the appeals process.

We can reschedule the garden-variety felony trials, push them back a couple months. Move these fuckers to the front of the line. Get these death-penalty appeals going and make it mandatory that all appeals are argued and adjudicated within 365 days of the death sentence. In the interim, the convict can sit in solitary confinement.

As it is, it takes a good year, two years maybe even three years to try and convict these fuckers. Fine. I’m all for giving both the defense and prosecution enough time to make their cases. That’s a given. It takes too long, but I can live with this being a lengthy process. We’re talking about someone’s life. Take your time with this part of the process.

One more important caveat: In those rare cases (and they do exist), when the person convicted and sentenced to death wants to forego his or her appeal, honor the wish. By this point in the game, this person’s mental state has long been established. If he’s ready to move on to the execution portion of the program, who has the right to argue with him? Let’s get moving.

EMPOWER THE VICTIMS. One of the things I hate most about these horrible crimes, accompanying media gangbangs and never-ending appeals is how insignificant the family and friends of the victims become in the process. First you have to deal with the unfathomable pain of losing a brother, a mother, a daughter, a wife or a best friend, then you have to suffer through the trial and then, usually 15 to 20 years later, you have to relive it all again when the execution date finally rolls around.

That’s bullshit.

Speeding up the process provides closure, whatever that’s worth, to the family and friends in a much more reasonable time period.

More important, fuck the whole lethal injection method. That will never be any kind of deterrent to people inclined to kill other human beings.

Once the asshole is convicted and his appeal is rejected within the allotted 365 days, the family of the victim takes center stage and gets to select the method by which the condemned will die.

Call it a final tribute to the loved one who was killed. Maybe you’re a big fan of the electric chair. The gas chamber is a fine option as well. Firing squad? Hanging? Douse them in gasoline and toss a match? Want to dust off a guillotine? Knock yourself out. This is your day.

It would be my hope that most families would opt for an execution method that mirrors the way in which their loved one was taken from them. If the murderer strangled your 12-year-old daughter with his own hands, you have the option of returning the favor. Can’t or don’t want to do it yourself? We’ll find many willing volunteers to grant your wish.

USE THE POWER OF THE MEDIA. The deterrence argument loses much of its steam because only a handful of family members and media who win a “lottery” actually get to see the execution unfold. The people who really need to see the agony of the electric chair or the utter terror in the eyes of a man as he’s being soaked in gasoline never get the opportunity.

The Death Penalty for most of us, including potential murderers, is an abstract concept. We need to fix that.

You want a deterrent? Broadcast the entire execution as if it were the fucking Super Bowl. Make it a pay-per-view event. Charge $19.99 and make it available to satellite, cable and Internet customers. People will fucking pay for it, this much I know. Take the proceeds and give them all to the immediate family of the victim(s).

Go behind the scenes. Show the guy getting shaved down. Show him ordering and eating his last meal. Show him getting his diaper put on. Show him getting his last rites. Show him walking his last, lonely walk to the execution chamber. And, yes, show him suffering whatever type of death the victim’s family has selected. Let’s remove the filters and show everyone what really happens when you take another person’s life.

Most important, broadcast the entire production to every state, federal and county jail in the country. Make it mandatory viewing. Since this is where most of the current and future murderers reside, they’re the target audience. Might even be worthwhile to loop it for a week or two. No more Judge Judy or Weather Channel in the clink. It’s Execution of the Week for all prisoners fortunate enough to be within viewing distance of a television in any correctional facility.

I know some people will argue that my Death Penalty revamp would constitute “cruel and unusual” punishment. Fuck that. Let me remind you that people are arguing that lethal injection is cruel and unusual. Folks, if you take someone’s life and are convicted and sentenced to death, it’s going to be a “cruel” ending no matter how it happens.

The important thing is do these executions quickly and with the amendments I’ve suggested. Start putting some teeth into the Death Penalty or else eliminate it altogether.

If we do it right, there won’t be anything unusual about it at all.

Fucking Department of Homeland Defense

The federal government (in other words, you and me as taxpayers) has spent more than $250 billion on "homeland defense" since 9/11. In 2006, we will piss away another $60 billion minimum for the privilege of taking off our shoes at the airport.

If you don't believe me, look it up. Once I figure out how the fuck this blogging thing works, I'll put the fucking links in here but for now just take my word for it.

Well, maybe $60 billion is a reasonable figure, especially to you fucking inbred morons residing in the so-called Red States.

Let's talk about $60 billion for a second.

How much is $60 billion?

Put it this way, Microsoft posted a profit of just over $30 billion in the past three years COMBINED.

Are you old school? Well a company called General Electric earned $48 billion total in the last three fiscal years. New school? Google earned a whopping total of $2 billion in the last 36 months.

Let's add it up now. GE, Google and Microsoft have combined to earn $80 billion in the last three years and the federal government has spent, according to the independent Government Accounting Office (GAO), more than $190 billion on "homeland defense" in that same period.

I'm going to say it again, but different this time. Exxon Mobile earned a total of $87 billion in the past three years.

You get the fucking picture?

Well, what's changed since 9/11 that justifies the money we are all paying every day, every quarter, every year for this Homeland Defense budget?

For starters, we haven't had any commerical airliners crash into skyscrapers in the past five years. Just like we didn't for the past 80-plus years of aviation prior to 9/11.

And, we did just recently kill some guy named Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, allegedly Osama bin Laden's right-hand man. And we're doing a bang-up job of bringing democracy to the people of Iraq. Fuck, less than half of all Americans bother to vote in general elections every four years so who the fuck are we kidding when we say that "spreading democracy" is justification for all this loss of life, money and international integrity?

*Side commentary: I think 99 percent of American taxpayers would say the billions upon billions spent was worthwhile if you could bring Osama bin Laden's corpse home and put it on display, traveling from city to city like the Stanley Cup or a MOMA exhibit. But we can't even do that. Why the FUCK can't we kill this guy? Please, someone tell me why?

And who the fuck cares how the people of Iraq or Malaysia or even fucking Canada set their political compass?

Anyway, what else do we have to show for our $250-plus billion?

Well, we've got about 19,000 brand-spanking-new TSA employees. You know, the fucking recent or, more likely, illegal immigrants that shove a fucking bar between your legs at any airport on a given weekend. And don't forget the unfathomable amount of pork crammed into districts all over the country for shit like training dogs to sniff out shoe bombs or "crisis response" programs to respond in the event of a nuclear attack.

Here's my program and I'll only charge you $50,000 for it: Anyone who is left, good fucking luck.

Forget politics. Republican, Democrat, fucking Libertarian or Whig. Clinton, Gore, Bush, Reagan, fucking Ross Perot. Don't matter. They would all, to various degrees, do the same fucking thing. 

I only care about the fucking money.

I've often joked to my friends as we stand in yet another endless security checkpoint line at any metropolitan airport, 'Do you feel safe?'

They all either laugh or say nothing. Not one, not one, friend or stranger has ever said they really feel any safer. That's a good thing. If they did, I'd fucking choke them out right there in the line just to prove my point.

I love the fact that I've had multiple TSA "agents" confiscate my cigarette lighter as my carry-on bag glides through the X-ray machine, missing a whole array of other items that would cause as much or more potential havoc during a flight. Swear to God I had one TSA fucknut tell me that I could take books of matches on my flight but not a lighter. Part of me wanted to light the whole fucking fuselage on fire, match by fucking match, just to make a point.

But try this experiment on your own if you don't believe me.

Show up for your scheduled flight and check a bag. Don't put anything in it. Just check an empty fucking bag. Then, go directly to the airport bar and start boozing. Take your time. Take a lot of time. Make sure you miss the flight for which you've already been issued a boarding pass.

Then, if you're lucky, take the next flight out to your destination.

The good news is your bag will be spinning around the carosel at your destination city or, more likely, be sitting inside the "guest services" booth of the airline you've just flown on. The bad news is that despite all the billions of dollars spent and "thorough" studies and evaluations of airport security, those fucking idiots still don't pull any and all bags of passengers who don't make their scheduled flights.

Why?

Because it's not cost effective. It requires effort. It requires money. It would, if properly implemented, bring commerical air travel to a grinding fucking halt that would do irreparable damage to the nation's economy.

So don't fucking stand there and tell me I need to take off my fucking belt and my fucking shoes and get rid of my fucking lighter to fly on your fucking airplanes.

Fuck New Orleans. Fuck the cheesecloths that are our nation's ports. Fuck building a 22-foot wall along the U.S./Mexico border. Fuck letting 7 million automobiles come and go as they wish across the Canadian border. Fuck wiretaps, background checks and profiling.

It's all a big fucking charade to distract everyone from the reality that we never have and NEVER will be safe from terrorism in its many sinister forms.

Please, I fucking BEG you, stop fucking trampling on our rights and ruining the very thing that makes it worthwhile to pay taxes in this country in the first place.

Wait until the hard-core suicide bombers start extracting their chunks of flesh on U.S. soil. What will we do then? Spend another quarter trillion to train imbeciles to pat us down as we enter any mall, government building, theater, sporting venue, etc.?

Seriously, let's think about what we could have spent that $250 billion on to improve our way of life in what really, truly is the best country in the world.

Americans as a whole are fucking stupid sheep. But, for the most part, we're brave, industrious sheep.

Stop treating us like fucking children and pissing away our hard-earned money. Don't fucking tell us we're any safer now than we were on 9/10/01. Anyone who really believes that (and there are many of you fucking idiots), deserves to be carved up like a rotisserie chicken.

Just don't bullshit us.