Fucking Passwords

Why doesn’t anybody ever talk about the biggest problem plaguing our Internet-dependent society?

I’m not talking about Instant Messaging, though that’s a big fucking problem, too. Fucking boxes popping up every 10 seconds.

Some fucking co-worker or friend or complete fucking stranger distracting me from important things like viewing porn or banging out a blog entry with a stupid fucking question or comment that they wouldn’t bother to mention in person because it’s so fucking meaningless.

No, I’m not even talking about the inherent danger and social consequences of blogs themselves, an issue that’s been discussed more and more in the blogosphere these days.

Pop-up ads and spam? That’s child’s play.

Nope.

The biggest fucking cancer and largest single-source of angst in my fucking online life (and probably yours too) is the abundance of fucking passwords that I have to remember and use all the fucking time to survive in this Ethernet universe.

Every fucking site requires a password. For banking. For email. For subscription sites. For this fucking blog. For all the pain-in-the-ass applications you need to do your fucking work. For the fucking DSL service. For the ESPN Insider content. For the fantasy football leagues. To fucking log on to the corporate intranet. To buy shit.

Passwords. Passwords. Passwords. Passwords. Passwords. User names. User names. User names.

They’re fucking everywhere. And who the fuck can keep track of them all?

Some sites or applications require numbers and letters. Some even require fucking underscores. Some have to be all CAPS. Others have to be changed every month, every year, every time you log on.

It never fucking ends.

No wonder hackers are constantly accessing confidential personal information, stealing identities and spreading worms and viruses throughout the network. How could they not?

I don’t know about you guys, but I use the same basic password for all the shit I access and use the most. If it requires a number I add something easy to remember like the year I was born in or the year I found God or the year I wish I was born in or, more often than not, “69” to my basic root password. For some reason, I can always remember 69.

I know it’s not very secure. I know that I’m a fucking sitting duck for hackers or even the nosey bitch in the office down the hall. But I don’t give a shit. I refuse to maintain a fucking encyclopedia-sized notebook with a variety of diverse and “more secure” passwords for all the fucking applications I use or sites I visit.

And even if I were inclined to be Mr. Fucking Safe and Secure, what am I supposed to do with this fucking book containing this goldmine of random and case-sensitive passwords? Put a fucking chain on it and wear it all the time like a God damn necklace?

“Dude, what’s up with the dictionary-sized medallion under your shirt?”

No, fuck that. I won’t do it.

I’ve seen how others manage their fucking passwords. They have about 127 little fucking yellow Post-It notes all over their fucking desks. The best part is that they also have to write down what corresponding site or application is used for each password and the corresponding user name.

So, in other words, any asshole can walk into their office or slither into their cubicle and start accessing their whole universe, Post-It note by fucking Post-It note.

Hackers would be better off getting a job as a night custodian at any major office building instead of jacking themselves up on crank and pounding away at their keyboards all fucking night and day. While they’re at it, they can steal pictures of everyone’s family and a shit-load of loose change in the top desk drawer. And some office supplies.

You’re laughing because you know it’s true.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m unique. I’m guessing the vast majority of people use the same password for multiple (if not all) sites and applications they use. Maybe two different passwords at the most. One with numbers and one without.

Why?

I’ll tell you why. Because if you’ve ever put a completely new and unique password into the system and then not used it for a week or a month, when you go back to log on, you’re fucked. The dreaded three-strikes-and-your-locked-out rule is in effect. Then you have to hassle IT or the system administrator to reset you in the system. Fuck, how much time and money is lost because people can’t remember their fucking passwords?

And then what happens? They make you enter your email address and send your user name and password to you. And guess what? You need a fucking password and user name to access the email. If you forget your email user name and password, you might as well kill yourself. You’re fucking done.

Don’t tell me about the “save this password” option. I know about it. Use it every chance I get. But for your personal shit, you don’t want to save it on your work computer. And you usually don’t want to save any passwords in this fashion at home because you never know who might be using the same computer and going to the same site.

Last thing I need is my wife checking my browser history, clicking on the “Rabbits Need Luv 2” site and accessing my personal, private wonderland with my saved password.

My root password is as much a part of my identity as my fucking first name. When I hear my password somewhere, I immediately jump to attention like a Pavlovian dog. Did she just say my password? Great. Now I feel naked. But I can’t change it because then I would have to change EVERY fucking password. Fuck it. She can just read my emails and check my bank account. There’s nothing good to find in either place anyway.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, you’ve got a million other fucking bits of data that you have to recall at a second’s notice. What’s your work voicemail password? How about your cell phone message retrieval password? I bet they are one and the same, aren’t they?

How about the PIN for your ATM? The PIN for your online 401(k) account? How about the fucking access code for your gated community or apartment door? How many number-based codes do you have to remember? How often do you use the same four- or five-digit combination for all of them?

I bet if I tied you down, liquored you up and tickled you with the business end of an extension cord, I could get you to cough up the “main” password that would unlock your whole universe to me. Might not even need to tickle you.

From the time I woke up today until the time I left the office, I was prompted for a password and user name of some sort a grand total 62 times. It was a light day.

Do your own study sometime. It’s fucking ridiculous.

 

 

Comments

[Oy Vey]

Don't forget the Pets Name Passwords that any moron could figure out without much effort.